Friday, October 2, 2009

Why Am I Me?

Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be somebody. Anybody. As long as it was somebody great, somebody special, somebody I admired. As far back as I can remember I wanted to be someone else. Often it was a peer or an person of my own imagining out of a compilation of different people. I dreamed of having all sorts of talents, abilities, adventure, and charisma. I could be anything I wanted, do anything I wanted, look however I wanted in my imagination. This didn't stop as I grew up, it simply grew with me. Discontent, comparison, envy. Even though I learned all about self-acceptance, I just couldn't make it real for me. I've believed so many lies about myself that have colored how I think God and especially other people see me. The only cure for self-rejection is the Truth of God applied directly to the heart. I think He's starting to get through.
Recently I was on a weekend retreat at a beautiful West Virginia farm with some other ladies. There was a certain hill on this farm where three crosses have been placed. The owners of the retreat home arranged a hayride to take us up to the crosses. We had a beautiful evening, but as I met the owners and some of their family and watched them the familiar feelings crept in. I admired them: their warm personality, their knack of hospitality, the gorgeous setting they live in. I felt myself wanting to be like them and to live that life of the mountain country farm. As I got alone later that night I kept thinking and wondering why I couldn't have a different life. Why did God make me who I am; why did He put me in the life and the place I'm in? Doesn't He care that I would have fit so much better in something else? And then it hit me. The lie I've believed all my life. I believed that I don't fit. That God's special purpose for me is not real. And because of this I'll never be anything special. The pain hit the bullseye in my heart. I began to pour out the lies to God. And as I asked my deep questions, searching for meaning in the life I'm living, He spoke to me. Ten beautiful words, straight from the Word. "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you." It was like God's arms went around me and He touched my pain with the soothing balm of His love. It made me cry. Especially since these words are from a passage that was special to me years ago, when I was a young teen with a new hunger for the Word of God. It comes from Jeremiah chapter 1. God speaks to the young man about being chosen and set apart for a unique calling. He's basically saying, I chose you before you even existed to be Mine! He goes on to say that before you were born, He sanctified you, or set you apart. That means being created and called for something very specific and very special. Whatever God sets apart for Himself is holy. It is of the highest value. It cannot be worthless. It cannot be meaningless. It cannot be left to chance. And His purpose cannot be derailed by our human frailty. Isn't that awesome? God appointed Jeremiah to be His spokesman and to rule over nations through the unerring truth of God's judgment and mercy. He has appointed me to be someone. He has appointed you to be someone. Just think about the fact that God created us in His own image! That alone makes us something incredibly special! Even if I would come to the end of life having done nothing of consequence in the eyes of the world, I would still have been a showcase of the glory of God and a delight to His heart. He made us for relationship with Himself and to simply express His glory. We don't have to do anything spectacular to fulfill that purpose. We have only to seek after Him with our everything. I choose to believe that I do fit in God's amazing story of grace and He has a special way just for me to show Him to the world. The wound is beginning to heal.

1 comment:

  1. Wow, I love this post! I think you have captured the heart and mind of every Christian girl who ever lived. At some time or another we all have dealt with these feelings of doubt and inadequecy. I've seen young ladies who have not grown Christward through this who turn bitter and resentful of others who DO grow in grace and deepen their dependance on Him, which results in the lessening of their own introspection. It is only in understanding that the more you serve Christ and the less you think of yourself and your personal role in His scheme of things that you actual appear more confident and beautiful to others--it's all Him! But that same confidence and beauty is what can drive others to resentment or jealousy. What a marvelous lesson/revelation God has given/is giving to you!

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