All of my life, I have battled this fear that my relationship with God is insufficient. It has manifested in every part of my life. I believed I was never enough. Not pretty enough, not talkative enough, not like-able enough, not talented enough, not sociable enough, not funny enough, not desirable enough, not faithful enough, not good enough, not spiritual enough.....just not enough.
So I poured my energies into creating this world in my head where I could be enough. A world where I could be everything I ever wanted to be and have everything I ever imagined would make me complete; in this world, I was the heroine of my own story. All of this was a pathetic attempt to substitute for my "not enough".
It is no easy thing to crawl out of a fortress of false security. To walk away from your perfect world. To tear down your castles in the sky and come face to face with the raw truth that you don't have to be enough. You don't have to build a kingdom of "enough", because this isn't home. And it's not your kingdom anyway.
Do you feel unequal to the journey? The journey of walking by faith, of following Jesus, of obeying God, of loving Him with all your heart and loving your neighbor as yourself? Do you feel unequal to the mission of building Christ's kingdom on earth, of preaching the gospel, of making disciples, of fighting the armies of hell? I know. I've been there. I've camped out there for a long, long time. Not enough. Unequal to the task. Unprepared. Unable to rise to the challenge. Inadequate. Insignificant. Insufficient.
In recent weeks, God has pinpointed this fear in me: I'm afraid that my relationship with Him is not sufficient and never will be. I've been looking at it this way: I don't bring enough to this relationship. I have always wanted to be able to bring enough. But I can't. I bring nothing. Jesus brings all And He gives me His own life, His own beauty, His own faithfulness, His own obedience, His own love....everything that I can offer back to Him!
Today I had a revelation....I don't want a relationship with God that is sufficient. Why would I ever settle for merely sufficient? Who in their right mind is truly satisfied with a marital relationship or a friendship that is just "sufficient"?
I want a crazy, vibrant, insanely awesome intimacy with Jesus! I want a relationship that never stands still, that keeps moving forward, exploring more of His wonder and opening myself more fully to Him every day! It's the kind of relationship I didn't truly believe I could have with Him. But He's breaking down the walls.
So I'm changing my mind.
I do believe I can have this....I believe this is the life Jesus came to give me...anything less is cheating myself and the world around me that desperately needs to see what life is.
I do believe I can have this....I believe this is the life Jesus came to give me...anything less is cheating myself and the world around me that desperately needs to see what life is.
In 2 Corinthians 3, Paul expresses the truth that can set us free from the bondage to self-sufficiency:
"Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God, who has made us competent to be ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit. For the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life."
The walls of self-sufficiency, the towers of duty, the banners of the letter of the law that say I must be enough are crumbling to the dust. I can move forward in my relationship with Christ with full confidence, knowing that He is sufficient to bring life to the world and build His kingdom and shine His light through me!
I believe!
"Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God, who has made us competent to be ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit. For the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life."
The walls of self-sufficiency, the towers of duty, the banners of the letter of the law that say I must be enough are crumbling to the dust. I can move forward in my relationship with Christ with full confidence, knowing that He is sufficient to bring life to the world and build His kingdom and shine His light through me!
I believe!
