Desert Ravings

Then Jesus said to His disciples," If anyone wants to come with Me, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life because of Me will find it. What will it benefit a man if he gains the whole world yet loses his life? Or what will a man give in exchange for his life?" Matthew 16:24-26

For the last several years, I have found somewhat of a theme for each year according to what God is doing in my heart. Now I know it doesn't sound pretty, but I think this is the year of death. A year of reckoning between what I know and what I really believe. I have come to a place of seeing my own depravity like never before. The last couple years have been a downhill slide for me and I find myself in mortal combat for my soul. I realize I cannot count on what I believed as a young child, when I received Christ as my Saviour. I responded to what I understood then with the faith of a child. But now I am confronted with the question of following Jesus: what does it really mean? What does it require of me? And do I actually want to follow Him? Have I counted the cost? Is it one I am willing to pay? I'm not sure I ever understood that growing up. So now I find myself caught between two masters, faced with a choice: will I live to save what I think is "the life" for me, or will I give up everything to follow Christ and love Him? In my mind I know there is no other option for me: I know the truth; I know what's going down and I can't turn from Christ, so I must follow Him. But as I see more clearly that Jesus meant everything He said and He made it clear that He wants all or nothing, I must honestly face myself and confess that I am bitterly fighting giving all. I want desperately to know His love so deeply that in response i would love Him enough to go all the way. I do not know what other course there is. If you have ever been in the desert of your soul, maybe you will understand this honest pouring out of my heart before God. These are the kind of feelings we want to hide; we try so hard to convince ourselves and everyone else that we're okay. Well I'm tired of pretending. Not that I have a great following here, but sometimes it feels better just to make yourself vulnerable to someone. I wrote this a few weeks ago, in church, actually. Obviously I had too much weighing on my heart to pay attention. :)

Deeper

Desire is a deeper pit
than any man can know
Life grasped becomes life lost
Paradise allures
lingering ever out of reach
No darkness is so thick
as a soul torn assunder
Ravaged by its own lust
Truth always beckoning
but rebel pride fears death
Running, hiding, eyes closed
until the image fades
And hope sinks again
into oblivion
A soul in fear, lost its way
Sick stench of self
repulses, yet drives it on
What holy fire can purge it all away?
What stronger lure constrain
that soul to stay?
Does faith still live to claim
That He is deeper still?