Except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone, but if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit. John 12:24
In these first weeks following my visit in Rwanda, I find myself doing the same things in the same way, wanting to keep that spark of vision alive, the vision to truly love and live the Gospel of Jesus Christ, yet in danger of letting it die. While spending some long overdue time alone with God today, I went back to one of my favorite passages, Philippians chapter 3, and read what Paul says about how he counts as loss all the things that were gain to him. He said he has suffered the loss of all things for Christ and counts them as worthless dung compared to the priceless treasure of knowing Christ. I was asking myself what things in my life do I consider gain. There are so many. New clothes, new music, entertainment, vacations, health, improved appearance, a better body, a nice place to live, praise, encouragement, successful achievement, the notice and approval from other people. How did Paul count everything worthless? How did he get such a fire in His heart for Jesus that everything else in life took a distant second and became expendible? Too much of the time, Jesus is taking second place in my life, for if I look honestly at my priorities and the way I choose to spend my time, money, and thought, all this other stuff means more to me and defines the image that I want to create. This is the underlying theme of the whole human sin story: man wants to be god. All that glitters in our world, especially in our spoiled American culture, is all about us setting up an image of ourselves and seeking how to get our own glory. This feels like reality; it becomes our highest priority day after day to get the next new or updated or hip thing, to look forward to the next fun time, the next rush. Our world is filled with things, always being increased with the new and improved whatever, the current updated version, the latest fashion trend. There is no end to our production and consumption of more, newer, better, cuter. And it's all about us! God's heart must break over the foolishness of His own children to fasten our eyes on the newest plaything. This "reality" of ours is fools' gold. There's a whole greater and mostly unseen reality out there that revolves around the King and Maker of the universe! He is indescribable, uncontainable, immortal, all-powerful, untameable and unchangeable! I think that most of the time God just goes way over our little pea brains! Yet He made the way for us to live in unbroken fellowship with Himself and to know Him intimately. That totally blows me away! How can we know God like that? And how stupid can we be to keep on letting all this stuff get in the way of doggedly and passionately pursuing this awesome God who loves us so much He gave everything to get us back?!!! I don't mean to offend anybody here, but I sure know my own stupidity! Sometimes I just cry out in frustration, God, why is it so hard to love You? But think about it; if loving God was easy, how could it be love? Real love lays down one's own life for another, and that is not easy! If we would love and live, we must die. There is no way I can do this, I know that! I will never be able to finish the race, to fight the good fight, to stand before God, to receive eternal crowns and rewards, except for Jesus! My only hope is for Him to do it through me. I understand why the Bible tells us that we will lay our crowns at His feet. I see so clearly today that if I'm going to have any reward, it's going to be all His doing; I am nothing! How much more will we know that when we stand in His presence and receive these rewards?!
God really drove it into me that all I have to hold onto of the eternal is Him, His Word, and relationships with people. That's all we have! Everything else is so much kindling for the fire. God, help me to get it! I think that right now He really wants to teach me to die. He's got me in the perfect place! Who else knows that home is the absolute hardest place to die?! When you go on a mission trip or work with a ministry, that's what you are there to do and that's what you focus on. But at home.... I don't live to pour myself out and serve, I live for what I can get out of life. When can I have me time, when can I relax, when can i go shopping again, how can I make myself feel good? I know I'm supposed to serve my family and lay down my life, but my heart has never grasped it. I can go through the motions, but I can't give with abandon, totally letting go of my own ambitions and happily spending myself for the needs and benefits of my family. I keep praying, God, you've got to do it, because I can't! Kari just won't die! But Jesus is faithful! He has gone before me! He knows my heart and He will lead me on; He won't quit no matter how long it takes. I choose to believe that He knows what He's doing with me at home, just as He knew what He was doing with me in Rwanda. It really wasn't much more clear to me why I was there, except that it was a welcome change. But He knows! He knows that each step is one closer to death, and one step closer to an incredible, fulfilling life! My flesh lures me to seek the world's image of myself, but Jesus is gently, persistently working to make me into His image. And He is stronger! i would be lost without Him; I desire to be a living sacrifice, but I am not strong enough to make the offering. Jesus is my High Priest who can and will fulfill all things. When I let His character and His truth override my weakness and the flounderings in my short-sighted wallow of despair, He simply overwhelms me with His unchanging love and faithfulness! Even as I write this the tears of gratitude and hope well up in my eyes. We need to let Jesus be greater in our lives than our own introspective wanderings! HE is LIFE, HE is LOVE, HE is HOPE, HE is EVERYTHING!
There is nothing, there is nothing
More precious, more worthy
May I gaze deeper
May I stay longer
May I press onward to know You Lord! (Laura Story)
Kari,
ReplyDeleteWe have been going through some similar things, though in different ways. We are both looking for a reason to live beyond what the world has to offer, and we are both trying to find ourselves and our purpose. I think that all young people go through this. Many of us think they find meaning in the empty things of this world, even though deep down we all know better. No amount of stuff will fill the God-shaped void inside of us. Trying to fill this void becomes a habit, and even an addiction, because we believe that the world can satisfy our needs, even though we know it can't.
Do you really think that you are so entrenched in American culture? Is it really as bad for you as you make it sound? I know that sometimes I get on a rant about how much the world sucks, and then I wonder why I even thought such things.
Is the Lord our fortress, or do the walls we construct around ourselves resemble the walls of Jericho? Man made walls are meant to keep the enemy out, but they also keep our selfish pride, our material possessions, our problems, our fears, and our frustrations in. Do all human beings suffer from the curse of trying to rebuild Jericho, to trust in our own walls instead of in the Living God? The enemy laughs at the walls that we constuct, because he knows that all he has to do is lay seige to you, and wait for your internal problems to destroy you from within. He doesn't even have to attack your futile walls.
I believe evil to be more of a passive force than an active force. It is there, and it is dangerous, but it is not active. Remember, "the gates of Hell will not prevail." Gates are part of the defensive structure, which is the wall. When we build walls, we seal our fate, but Jesus wants to and will destroy these walls, and save whatever bit of soul we may have left at the end that still belongs to Him. Deep down all of our souls long for salvation, and even in my darkest times of self doubt, my mind has always come back to the cross. Jesus chooses to save us, even though our hearts may not be fully devoted to Him 100 percent of the time.
I believe that the Lord is a fortress without walls. Indeed we do not need walls if we trust in the Lord, and we don't need our own fortifications in addition to His. He keeps the enemy out without keeping our problems in.
Dan