Impossible Possibilities

“It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door.  You step onto the road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there’s no knowing where you might be swept off to.”  J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of The Rings

“Adventure is out there!”  ‘Up’ by Pixar

This little hobbit is going on an adventure.  Sunday morning, bright and early, I will set out for the mountains of New York to take on a week of wonder, excitement, and adventure….and a hearty dose of God-breathed inspiration….at the 2015 Lamplighter Guild!  For those of you not familiar with this animal, Lamplighter Ministries publishes rare classic books for children, stories with strong, eternal messages.  Lamplighter Theatre produces audio dramas of these stories.  The Lamplighter Guild is a unique, once-in-a-lifetime experience designed to challenge, inspire, and empower young adults to use their God-given gifts in the creative arts to impact culture for His glory!  It is an intensive, hands-on  week of training in various creative arts fields, particularly the dramatic arts.  But from the testimonials and everything I have read about the heart behind the Guild, it is more than that.  It is first and foremost a week of learning to know our Creator better, so that we can more excellently reflect Him in our own creativity.  Many people have testified that this was a life-changing experience for them, both in their relationship with the Lord and in their pursuit of excellence in the arts for His glory.  I am privileged to be able to attend the Guild, and excited to see what God is going to do!

God gave me the vision to attend the Guild last summer, as I was talking with a few close friends and mentors about my dreams, the gifts God has put within me, and my struggle to know what I can do to develop these gifts and pursue His dreams for my life.  While compiling a list of ideas for pursuing the primary passion on my heart, namely writing, God brought the Lamplighter Guild to mind.  I had heard it advertised many times on the radio, while listening to some of the Lamplighter Theatre productions, and it sounded like an awesome opportunity!  But I never seriously considered going until that point last summer.  When I went to the Lamplighter Guild website and began reading about the event, I was captured!  My spirit resonated with the vision of the Guild creators and the testimonies of past students.  I immediately wanted to go, but the cost seemed prohibitive.  Still, God kept the dream alive in my heart over the next few months, and when I returned home from His Ranch in the fall, and He provided full-time work at a former job, I saw a ray of hope that I might be able to afford to attend the Guild after all! 

When I discovered that there was an attractive discount for registering and paying the full tuition amount by the end of the year, I wanted to be able to do that, but there was no way I would have enough money that quickly.  So as I prayed about these things and discussed it with my parents, I decided to take the step of reaching out to friends for financial support.  And Father blessed me with an outpouring of gifts that made it possible for me to pay the full amount by the discount deadline!  I am so grateful to God for making the way before me, and to all those friends who allowed Him to use their generosity to provide for me!  If any of you are reading this blog, you know who you are….Thank you, from the bottom of my heart!

The initial provision of funds and the excitement of actually getting registered was a climax for me.  The months between now and then have felt rather anticlimactic.  These last couple of months in particular, as I have made the changes to move and help my grandparents, and as I have kept busy attending to their needs and settling in to a new routine, the Guild has only been a hazy thought in the back of my mind.  I have felt that I really should be doing something special to prepare myself for this big week, but I have been occupied with other things and have not given it much thought.  So now, the time has come.  And I don’t feel ready.  But what does “ready” feel like, anyhow? 

Just several days ago, I received an email from the Lamplighter staff with final reminders and information for the Guild, and attached was a hefty student handbook.  Scrolling down through the pages of the file, I began to feel overwhelmed.  Intense schedule.  Early mornings.  Pages of Scriptures and devotionals that will be used as a foundation of the spiritual teaching during the week, which I immediately began to think I needed to read and study through beforehand in order to be adequately prepared in my spirit for what God might want to speak to me.  Hours of classes and labs in the dramatic arts, where we will actually be creating and preparing dramatic presentations to give before an audience at the end of the week….a prospect that both excites and terrifies me!  

I began to feel like a fish out of water…..like I’m getting in over my head….letting fears and doubts creep in.  Fear that I’m going in half-cocked….that there I will be with very little actual experience in my field of interest and few accomplishments to show what I’ve been doing with my gifts….that all the other students will be younger, more energetic, more passionate about the arts, more creative and accomplished in what they are doing.  Fear that if I don’t put enough into preparing myself mentally and spiritually, I won’t be able to make the most of what I am given during this week.  Fear that I’ll be faced with things I don’t think I can do, and that when I am asked to stretch beyond my comfort level, I will hold back and miss what God would do in me.  Fear that after all the money other people have invested in me, and the prayers and support I have received, and the dreaming that I believed was from God….that in the end I will come away with no lasting fruit to show from this opportunity….no further direction in how God wants me to use these gifts….no fresh inspiration and vision to dream and do bigger….in a word, that I will have nothing to show. 

So there I was, just a few days away from this grand adventure, feeling worn and overwhelmed by fears and unbelief. 

But thanks be to God, who showed up with grace to help in my time of need!

Who do you think would like nothing better than to get me to believe I am defeated before I even walk onto the field? 

Who else?  Satan, that old snake.  Well, guess what, Master of Deceit….I am not biting this time.  I refuse to agree with you!  I belong to God, and what He does with this week is His business!

Even as I was pouring out my fears and frustrations to someone in an email, God began to speak to me.  He began to pour His peace into my spirit.  He reminded me of some truths from two God-inspired films that I just watched recently (for the zillionth time).  

This quote from the movie Pendragon: Sword of His Father…..”What God calls us to do, He gives us the strength to accomplish, the grace to live….or die….for His glory.”

I believe that God has called me to use the gifts He put within me for His glory.  Therefore, He has called me to write.  This is a passion that burns within me, no matter how much I neglect it or push it to the back burner of life.  I know, according to the Word of God, that He does not want me to neglect the gift that is in me.  He wants me to stir it up and fan it into flame!  He has NOT given me a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind!  (2 Tim. 1:6-7)  When I began asking Him what action steps I could take to develop and pursue this gift, He laid the Lamplighter Guild on my heart.  So I choose to believe God has called me to attend the Guild!  And whatever results come of it will not be my power, but by the power of the Holy Spirit who dwells within me!  “Not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit, says the Lord.”  Zech. 4:6

Whether I perceive the week as life-changing, or whether I leave with more questions than I came with, God will provide grace.  What He asks of me is to receive that grace.  In a manner of speaking, to “take the adventure that comes to me”!

The other inspiring message that God reminded me of is from the movie Facing The Giants.  Every time I watch this movie, I am challenged afresh and take away something new.  Incidentally, I am going to have the blessing of hearing one of the producers of the film, Stephen Kendrick, speak at the Guild, and maybe I’ll even get to meet him! 

In this movie, a story is told of two farmers who desperately needed rain, and both of them prayed for rain, but only one went out to prepare his fields to receive it.  Coach Taylor, desperately needing a breakthrough for his life and his football team, is exhorted, “God will send the rain when He’s ready.  But you need to prepare your field to receive it.”  God shows him how to do this, and sure enough, the rain comes, and God does above and beyond what anyone could have dreamed!  I think God is telling me that going to this week at the Lamplighter Guild is a way for me to prepare my “field” for rain.  He will bring the increase….all He asks of me is to be open to His working and come with a spirit that says “Yes!” to Him, to whatever He puts before me! 

My favorite scene in Facing the Giants is at the end of the championship football game, when the little Christian school team has come further than anyone had imagined they could, they are playing against the Giants, a team three times their size, and it all comes down to the last two seconds on the clock….Coach Taylor decides to try for a 50 yard field goal.  And the player he taps for this seemingly impossible feat is David, a 130 pound backup kicker who is just in his first year of football.  When the other coaches ask Taylor what in the world he is doing, he says….”I’m preparing for rain.”  As David prepares for the kick, he is already in defeat, believing that there is no way he can make it.  During one last time-out, Coach Taylor asks him, “Do you believe God can help you make this kick?”  David has to admit that God can, if He wants to.  The Coach goes on to tell him that no matter what happens, whether they win the game or not, they are going to praise God, but that David has to give his absolute best to God and let Him take care of the results.  I love the moment when he says, “Don’t you walk off this field having done anything less than your best!”  If you’ve seen the movie, you know that David changes his thinking, choosing to believe that God can do anything, and he goes for broke with that kick…..and he makes it!  The team with the longest losing streak become state champions, and God gets all the glory!  A little later on, in the locker room, as the boys are celebrating, Coach Taylor asks David to step forward, and this is what he says to him…..”Don’t you ever let anyone tell you that you’re second rate, under par, or inferior.  I just watched God do a miracle through you.  I saw a whole field of Giants, 85 to be exact, fall in defeat!  Now you tell me, what’s impossible with God?”  And the answer?  “Nothing, Coach.”

God is speaking to me through these scenes, telling me that it’s not about who I am or what I think I can or can’t do.  He wants me to get my eyes off myself, quit with the little pity party, and believe that He is who He says He is, and that in truth, NOTHING is impossible for Him to do in my life!  He’s asking me to give Him everything I’ve got this week, and to leave the results up to Him.  And He has promised that His grace will be sufficient for me….that where I am weak, He is stronger still and delights in showing off His glory through little lives that are yielded to Him!

One final encouragement that God gave me is from the book of Revelation, chapter 3, in the letter to the church at Philadelphia.  Jesus tells this church that He holds the key that can open every door….that what He shuts, no can open, and what He opens, no one can shut.  He says,  “See, I have placed before you an open door!  I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept My word and have not denied My name.”  A little later He exhorts them to “hold on to what you have, so that no one can take your crown.” 

What I hear Jesus telling me is He can open any door He chooses for me, if it will bring Him glory. If I hold fast to Him and believe His word…that He is able to do exceeding abundantly beyond all I can ask or imagine….then I will have the grace to walk through that open door into His dreams for my life!  I must resist the devil’s lies by refusing to deny that Jesus is THE WAY, THE TRUTH, AND THE LIFE!  If I live this way, He will let me be a part of His redemption and restoration story in the world, and He will be waiting to welcome me into His glory one day soon, to share in the incredible rewards of what HE has accomplished! 

So is the Lamplighter Guild beyond me?  Yes.  Are the dreams God has put in my heart to use writing and other gifts beyond me?  Yes.  On my own I can do nothing.  BUT…..these things are NOT BEYOND MY GOD!  Nothing is beyond my God….NOTHING! 

And He is your God, too.  He longs for every one of His children to soar high in this kind of faith, believing in the God who does the impossible!

The one who gave the vision still calls.  He has a purpose for my life and for yours that goes far beyond one single week in time or a certain experience or limited human capabilities.  What is He calling you into, for such a time as this?

Lyrically Inspired

Yeah.  I know.  My writing took a couple skips and then dropped right off a cliff.  But I am not giving up my resolve.  Just having some hiccups.  There's been a lot going on in the last month. Isn't that the story of life for most of us?  Not a good excuse.  Still.  Come on, creative juices.  We need to warm up here.  In less than a week I'll be on my way to a unique creative arts workshop in the mountains of New York, put on by the renowned Lamplighter Ministries.  And I don't feel ready.  But ready or not, I'm going!

So....where were we?

I'm not going to try to dig into the deep recesses of ideas I have tucked away to write about someday. Today, just for the sake of revving up my engine and writing something, I will share some rather random inspiration that came to me last night while trying to fall asleep.

This inspiration comes in the form of song lyrics.  A song that I have on my nighttime playlist on my ipod.  The song is May It Be, made popular by Enya, Celtic Woman, and The Lord of the Rings film. It is not a spiritual song, per se.  But as I listened to the lyrics, I realized there are some spiritual truths in it.  If you are familiar with the song, particularly in the context of the Lord of the Rings story, you may enjoy these insights.

For your reference, here is how the song goes....

May it be an evening star shines down upon you
May it be when darkness falls your heart will be true
You walk a lonely road; Oh how far you are from home

Mornie utulie (darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornie alantie (darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now

May it be the shadows' call will fly away
May it be your journey on to light the day
When the night is overcome, You may rise to find the sun

We see in Lord of the Rings something of a spiritual journey.  An epic battle between darkness and light.  A journey of some of the smallest, most unlikely candidates for heroism, through shadow and suffering and great temptation,,,,,a quest to destroy the darkness or die trying.  A quest to save whatever remains in Middle Earth that is good and beautiful and carries the promise of a brighter future.

I would suggest some spiritual parallels in these lyrics to our own journey through life.

The evening star to shine upon you.....In Scripture, Jesus Christ is called not the evening star, but the Morning Star!  He says, "I am the light of the world; whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8:12  As we walk in the darkness of this broken, sin-twisted world, Jesus is our guiding star, the light leading us through, and as the Morning Star, He heralds a coming dawn!  Hope!  A glorious future!  An emergence out of darkness and evil.

A true heart when darkness falls....darkness is upon this world, but if we cling to Jesus, the Truth, He will keep our hearts steady and show us the way to walk.  There are times in our lives when a certain darkness will fall upon us....a darkness of trial, a night of the soul....illness, depression, loss, grief, crisis....and in those times, we need faith and hope in Jesus to strengthen our hearts and pull us through.  Only He can keep your heart true in the hardest moments.  Only He gives you a heart to cling to Him.  We are weak, but He is strong!

You walk a lonely road....oh how far you are from home.
We are not home in this world, because it has been corrupted from what it was meant to be.  The Bible says the children of God are like strangers and aliens in the world, looking for a better country, a homeland.  Our home is the presence and glory of Jesus Christ.  Heaven is our home, and one day soon Jesus is going to make everything new and bring heaven to earth!  The journey here can be very lonely.  Followers of Jesus walk the road less traveled.  We feel far from Home as the end of the race and the final consummation of what we will be....but we are never far from Him.

Darkness has come, and darkness has fallen.....
Right now, the prince of this world is Satan.  Also known as Lucifer, the angel of light.  He masquerades now as an angel of light, but in truth his light has become darkness, because He thought to make Himself God to be worshiped.  So we are living in the territory of the prince of this world, the prince of darkness.  His shadow lies over us like the shadow of Mordor in Middle Earth.  But that's all it really is....a shadow.  The valley of the shadow of death....it is nothing to be feared, because if you belong to Christ, death cannot actually hurt you, and evil cannot touch you!

Believe and you will find your way.....yes, if you believe in the One who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life....Jesus Christ, Son of God!  "Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, and you will be saved."  Acts 16:31

A promise lives within you now.....As children of God, we have the Holy Spirit within us as the promise, or guarantee, of our inheritance.  He assures our hearts that we are children of God, adopted into His family, and heirs of all His glorious riches for eternity!  We do not yet see all of our inheritance, or hold it in our grasp, but it is ours.  Faith teaches us to confidently hope that we already have what we cannot yet see.  It is like a financial trust that is held for a child until he comes of age. We have this promise that we will "come of age" as sons of God and receive everything that He has prepared for us!

That the shadows' call will fly away.....the prince of this world and his shadow of evil are always trying to lay claim on us.  But one day he will be forever defeated and banished....Jesus has already won the victory on the cross!  On that day we will never again have to fight the shadow calling to us....we will live in the light of God Himself, in whom is no darkness or shadow of turning!

May it be your journey on to light the day.....
Jesus told His disciples that we are the light of the world....like brightly lit cities on a hill that draw those lost in darkness to His salvation.  Part of our purpose and journey through this world is to light up the darkness.....and if we run the race with endurance to the end, our lights will be swallowed up in the endless day of God's glory!

When the night is overcome, you may rise to find the sun....
This is the most wonderful line in the whole song!  Can you see how it speaks of the glorious destiny of our journey as sons and daughters of God?  We know that the night of sin, evil, and the great dragon, Satan, will soon be finally overcome, and we will be raised to immortal life in the kingdom of the SON....where there will be no need for the sun to light the day, because God and the Lamb will be the light of that kingdom, and there will be NO MORE NIGHT!
"And the city has no need of sun or moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and its lamp is the Lamb."  Rev. 21:23
"They will see [God's] face, and His name will be on their foreheads.  And night will be no more.  They will need no light of lamp or sun, for the Lord God will be their light, and they will reign forever and ever!"  Rev. 22:4-5

So there you are.  May it be, indeed.....this is the great hope and assurance of the redeemed children of God....that these things WILL be....because Jesus Christ has made them so, through His death and resurrection!  And all the people said....AMEN!!!

Around The Next Bend

So I thought I had my summer planned out. 

My lifestyle has become somewhat nomadic over the last several years.  I’ve been on the move a lot, seeing and experiencing more of the world.  The freedom and increased independence is fun!  Maybe this is why I am attracted to pirates?  Well, minus their black-hearted motives.  But anyway, as I was saying….

Between spending the summers serving families at His Ranch in Missouri, road trips with friends, living in a small halfway house for a season, working and gaining a circle of friends in a new town, a trip overseas, and moving back home temporarily, life has been  rich with variety and adventures!  There have been some low spots.  But for the most part, I am enjoying life immensely!  And yet there are also plenty of times where I wonder if I seriously need to do the responsible adult thing and stabilize in one place, become financially independent, perhaps seek further education in order to pursue a career for a more “secure” future.  People I trust and respect are on both sides of the issue.  I have a lot more thoughts on this subject which I hope to write in another post, but for today….. 

I want to share about the new twist my road has taken for the next few months or so.

I’ve been dreaming about resettling in another state eventually.  So I thought the smart thing to do this summer would be to work a better paying job and save money towards the goal of financial independence whenever I decide to make my move.  As much as I love the ranch ministry, I could never decide if that is where my heart wants to stay for the long haul.  So without closing the door on that chapter of my life altogether, I decided a year’s hiatus was in order.  I’d been working at a former job for the last several months, but had plans to find something different for the summer.  In a perfect world, it would be a job more conducive to my financial goals, while at the same time allowing me the freedom to leave in six to eight months!

Someone gave me the idea of looking for seasonal jobs with the area state park or metro-park system.  That sounded like an agreeable possibility to me, so I began to pursue a few leads.  I had actually been contacted about setting up an interview with a company that trains and hires lifeguards…one of those things I always thought would be a cool job! 

And then God threw in the twist.

My grandparents have been dealing with mounting health issues, as well as some other things that were increasingly concerning our family.  Things came to a head a few months ago when my grandpa’s stubborn skin rash on his leg turned out to be a serious internal infection which spread to his foot and culminated with gangrene in a couple of his toes!  The doctor who finally discovered the real problem wanted to take immediate action, which initially meant surgery to insert multiple stents in both legs to try to improve his poor circulation.  The first thing needed to heal an infection is healthy blood flow to the affected area.  However, the stents have not helped as much as they had hoped, and the infection had already gone so far that it is likely he will face amputation of the toes, at the very least. 

They live independently in a retirement community, but now the need is evident for them to either transition into assisted living or another situation where they have someone nearby to help them.  Several options were being explored, but it just wasn’t a good time for them to make a move.  It would have to be a rushed decision, and there would be all their belongings to deal with, not to mention the physical stress on my grandpa who is already weak.

So another option that was put on the table, kind of as a long-shot, was the question of whether any of the grandchildren might be looking for a change of scenery and available to move into the area temporarily as a personal assistant to our grandparents.  And just at the time I was about to begin pursuing new employment options, I got a message from a family member asking if I would possibly consider doing this! 

To shorten the story a bit, within about two weeks, no better options had really presented, and I had become convinced after praying and talking things over with family that this was the right course of action for me to take.

 

You would think I’d be pretty good at this pack up and move thing by now….well, not exactly.  For some reason it always turns out a lot harder than I think it should be!  More time consuming!  More stressful!  More distracting!  But I’ve done it before, and I did it again.

I quit my job, packed up my important stuff, and moved to northwest Maryland to live with my other grandpa, who is close enough for the daily commute to the retirement village in Pennsylvania. 

And here I am until further notice!

It’s a pretty great deal, actually.  I get my own room…I can clean the house and it won’t be messed up within a day by half a dozen people… I get to spend time with family I normally only see once or twice a year…I’m close to mountains…and I have a totally flexible schedule to boot!  My financial needs are being met as part of the arrangement.  So my “job” now is that I get to hang out with my grandparents, listen to their stories, feed them goodies, clean their house, play their piano, take them out in the sunshine, play in the dirt under the auspices of gardening, and just generally enjoy the challenge of making their lives more pleasant and care free!  I can make my own schedule, I’m not stuck in a mall under artificial lights all summer long (freedom!!!), and there’s lots of scope for finding adventures around these parts…think mountains, think the coast is only a few hours away….

With all this, of greatest value is the privilege of just being there for some of the most important people in my life.  I would not be here without my grandparents.  They had a huge hand in making me who I am.  Do you want to know the best part about that?  They have given me a wonderful heritage.  It is a heritage of strong faith in Jesus Christ and the freedom gained through the truth of His Word made living and active in me, first through the influence of my grandparents in the way they raised their children, and secondly through my parents who have carried on that legacy. 

God revealed to me that serving my grandparents now is a privilege and a small way that I can honor and thank them for the way their lives have imprinted on mine.  They gave themselves as living sacrifices to God, to our family, and to the church families they served for decades as pastor.  Their lives are full of richness; their memories, though fading, are filled with stories.  Sure, life has been tough, and our family has brokenness just like every family….but let the fruit of the tree speak for itself.  My grandparents’ two lives have multiplied into 21 grandchildren….most of whom are actively seeking and following Jesus today! 

My grandparents may not be rich, famous, or successful by worldly standards, but in my eyes they are great.  This time with them in their sunset years is precious to me.

Your legacy is the most valuable treasure you can leave to those who come behind you.  I want to remember that. 

Psalm 16:6  “The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.”

Celebrating 100 Posts!

So I just realized today that I have written 100 posts on this blog! This is my 101st post! I think that is worth celebrating!

So on this momentous occasion, I would like to share with you a quote from great literature.

"I know I chatter on far too much, but if you only knew all the things I wanted to say and don't! " Anne of Green Gables,  reproved for saying too much.

Now try this one on.
"If you only knew all the things I wanted to write and don't! " Kari Keener,  reproving herself for not saying enough.

100 posts deserves celebration.  It also feels like the perfect opportunity for a fresh beginning….new resolve to start digging out more from the deep well of thoughts in my soul that are begging to be written!

So many seeds of inspiration are left to shrivel away, whether out of forgetfulness, perceived lack of time, loss of motivation, or simply a mix of weariness and laziness at the end of the day that says, “Writing is the last thing I feel like doing right now!”  It can become depressing if I think about it too much.  I guess if you’ve never felt the stirring within you, it would be hard to understand why it’s such a big deal.  It’s like there is a dam of deep thoughts and words pent up inside me, and they want to come spilling out, but it’s not as easy as breaking the dam.

So many words…..

Sometimes a barrage of words can say precious little.   And sometimes a few well-chosen words can speak volumes.  What are words if you don’t mean them when you say them?  What are words if you don’t live what you speak?  Or write? 

I believe God has given me a gift and a desire to write.  Sometimes it burns within me, and most of those days I am left feeling frustrated because I haven’t done anything with the stirring.  I wonder what God meant me to do with this gift and if I am simply burying it in the ground because I don’t have the time or resolve to learn how to use it.

We have all been given gifts.  If God gives you something, then surely He also gives you what you need to use it.  But the gift is not like a magical super power.  That gift needs discipline.  It needs time and practice.  It needs to be developed and honed. 

I don’t want to just write.  To simply spill out a barrage of thoughts and words with little care of their meaning.  I want to write well.  I have many things to say, but I want to choose carefully the words that I use and craft them for impact, rather than volume.  I want my words to exude quality, and that does not necessarily mean quantity.  I long to write truth in a way that draws people in to a different way of thinking, a renewing of their minds, which in its course will work to change their lives. 

I know I have promised more frequent posts several times.  I always have that intention, but it keeps getting lost somewhere!  I’m expecting to have more time to write in the next few months as my life/work situation has changed for awhile and gives me greater flexibility.  But I should know better than anyone that envisioning all the free time I might have and what productive use I can put it to is only a pipe dream unless I put the rubber to the road.  I have to be willing to sit down, whether I feel like it or not, to exert the mental energy and sweat to pull out thoughts and form them into meaningful words and sentences that make sense, and to make myself write, even if it’s just a little bit every day! 

So if you’ll stick with me, I will keep at it.  I want to begin making a new habit of writing just a little bit every day, to try to keep those creative juices flowing.  The goal I’m working toward is one post a week.  That looks pretty lofty to me right now, simply because I know myself.  I know how easily I push writing aside for everything else.  I know my discouraged perfectionist tendencies….how I subconsciously tell myself that if I can’t do it well, (which often means I can’t do it to some abstract level of my own expectations), then it’s not worth doing at all!  

But maybe the things that take the hardest work, the things we have to push ourselves to do more than anything else in life….maybe those are the things that are worth the most.  Maybe our enemy knows this?  Especially when it pertains to gifts that God has put within us for the purpose of delighting Him, bringing glory to His name, and drawing people into His kingdom?  And maybe the enemy would like nothing better than to keep these gifts dormant and watch them never get off the ground because we fell for his carrots on a stick….all the little glittery things that seemed more worth our attention, and all the little “urgent” things that crowded in to monopolize our lives.  Yeah, I think I might be onto him. 

So reader?  If you’re out there?  And you’re on track with what I’m saying?  I just might need you to give me a push now and then.  Tell me to quit making excuses and keep the words coming!  Because maybe someday God will give me something to say that could change a life.  And I don’t want to miss that.

What Is Love, Really?

In the last couple months, I've read three books by Don Miller.  I love this guy!  He writes in such a relational way, as though you were sitting down with him in a coffee shop having a conversation. His theology is refreshingly simplistic and outside the box, especially for someone like me who grew up in the "conservative Christian" culture.  Don himself was raised in much the same culture, perhaps more "religious fundamentalist" than my own experience.  Nevertheless, the way he was drawn out of religion to the person of Jesus Christ and the things God has taught him about life and relationships through other people have breathed fresh perspective into my soul.

I recommend his books as an excellent read.  I cannot endorse his theology as being perfectly correct; in fact, I have come to realize that I cannot say that of any human being.  A simple, perhaps obvious conclusion to some, but you have to admit that we are far too eager to attach the label of pure truth to the ideas of mere men.  We are too willing to follow men rather than Christ alone.  One idea of Don's that I really like is this: he says basically that maybe we'll never get it all right.  Maybe we'll never discover all of truth in this life.  But he believes that's okay.  Someday, face to face with God, we'll know perfectly.  This life is a journey into truth.  

I think he's right.  Because if any man or woman could "get it right", we wouldn't need Jesus, would we?

The journey into truth is like getting to know a person.  Because Truth is a person.  Jesus Himself. He never told us to figure it all out.  He just asks us to follow Him.  Relationships are fluid, always in motion.  Healthy relationships grow.  And there's conflict.  We will have conflict with the Truth. Some things are hard to swallow.  Especially when you begin to see that something is not the way you always thought it was.  And every one of us has a unique relationship with Jesus.  Following Him will not look exactly the same for you as it does for me.  It's art, not a formula.  It's not always black and white.  And we will never come to an end of knowing Him.  

Sometimes I wonder what Scripture means when it says, "Now we see through a glass darkly, but then face to face.  Now I know in part; but then shall I  know even as I also am known." 

(1 Corinthians 13)

I think maybe there is a degree to which we will see clearly and know fully in the presence of God. And yet how can you ever fully know God?  He is so fantastic, so "other" from us.  I think He is kind of like this enormous country, without borders, that we can spend all of eternity exploring and never stop discovering new things!

Anyway, to get to my main point.  Don Miller wrote something about love that bears thinking over. It could really get under your skin.  For me, writing on this blog is sometimes a way of chewing on something that I want to get hold of.  

What Don said is that one day God showed him that the idea of "love" as he was living it, as held out by much of the church, is not real love.  That we treat it as a commodity, like money.  We assign value to people according to what they can do for us or how they make us feel.  We give love in order to receive love.  We are willing to love if there's a good trade-off.  

But if someone is too different from me?  If they think and believe differently?  If they make me uncomfortable?  If for whatever reason I just don't like them?  If they can offer me nothing in return? Woahh, then I get stuck.  I withhold love.  I decide they are not worth it to me.  I pass them by.  

This is not Jesus' kind of love.  Real love is not a commodity.  It cannot be bought, earned, or traded. It is a free gift.  Without condition.  In Jesus' economy, you don't have to think like me, look like me, talk like me, or behave the way I think you should in order to be valuable.  You are valuable because He made you.  And love is free.  It is meant to be given away.  You can take it or leave it.  You can spurn it, spit on it, fight it....but it is offered freely and constantly.  

And this kind of love changes people.  You can't change people by devaluing them, controlling them,or guilting them.  When people encounter genuine love and acceptance, they open their hearts. They are willing to listen.  They'll take a second look, wondering what kind of person can love them like this?  They'll pay attention to what makes the difference.  We don't love someone to change them.  But I think love by its very nature is a change agent.  

Jesus, change my heart and mind.  I have treated love as a commodity to be traded for my own benefit.  Help me to see people with Your heart.  Help me to love them like you do.  Work in me real love for the people who turn me off, the people who scare me, the people I would rather ignore or avoid, the people who are outcasts and worthless to society, the people who are different from me. Teach me how to offer love as the free gift it is.  Let your love catch the world off-guard.  May my life sing value to every person.  And may the story you are writing with my life always point to the Truth in love.

Love Story

Do you ever grapple with deep longings for intimacy that you think can be fulfilled if something in your life would change?  If you're married, it might be...."If my husband would just tune in to me and understand what I really need!"  If you have children, perhaps...."If only my kids would appreciate me more, acknowledge their need for my counsel, guidance, etc., or open up and share their deepest thoughts and feelings with me!"  If it's about friendships.... "If I could find a true kindred spirit, or if my friend didn't live so far away, or if so-and-so just had more time to spend with me."  If you're single, like me, then very likely...."If  I could only find the love of my life!"

Do you find yourself in moments where you want desperately to experience a degree of intimacy that you have not known?  It could be a life experience you have not yet had, such as marriage, and you're dreaming of how wonderful it could be.  Or perhaps you are married, or enjoy a close friendship, or are blessed with healthy, growing family relationships, yet you feel let down, disappointed at times, like there should be so much more in this relationship than what you already have.

I'm going to be personally candid right now.  Sometimes I really miss a man I have never met. Sometimes I lie in bed at night and long for experiences in intimacy that I have not had.  I imagine things that are not healthy for me to imagine because I'm coveting something that is not mine.  I want fulfillment from someone who will never realistically be able to give it, because no person on earth can satisfy my soul.  And I know this.  I know the difference between reality and fairy tales, but that doesn't stop me from wanting the fairy tale.

What do we do with this desire?  Where do you go with your craving that has been disappointed by the realities of wrestling in relationship?  Where do I go with my cravings for something I've never had, something I make too much of in my imagination?

There's an answer.  It's not easy, but it's real.  Psalm 37:4  "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."

Jesus created us for relationship and intimacy.  He created us with these desires, and so they are good. But they are meant to be satisfied (humanly) in relationships with real people, through self-giving love that is rooted in His love.  And our soul's deepest need for intimacy was never meant to be fully satisfied in another human being.  Our human longings are really just an echo of something much deeper, much more real.  It is the echo of eternity and absolute intimacy that has been placed within our souls by our Maker.  This longing is for the perfect, eternal intimacy with the One who formed our innermost being, who breathed into us the breath of life, the One who knows us fully and loves us perfectly!

So today I am practicing a new thought pattern.  Directing my desire toward Jesus.  This is the response of a soul to its maker, of a heart seeing glimpses into the realm of eternity.  Perhaps your soul will resonate with this as well.

Jesus, it is to You I belong.  You tell me who I am and give me incredible value.  You complete me and answer my existence.  You are the Love who pursues my heart, who is always coming for me. No matter where I go, no matter how far or how long I run, You will find me.  You have never lost me.  I can't hide from You.  I can't get away from Your presence.  Even when I feel light years away from You, Jesus, You are with me.  It is only a delusion of the enemy that I have chosen to believe, that You would ever be far from me.  You gave Yourself so I could be one with You and never be separated from You again!

What love is this?

The greatest Love Story ever.

And I am the bride.

I am the harlot, and I am the bride.

I am the rebel and the redeemed.  The lost and the found.  I am the runner and the greatly desired beauty, wanted by the King.

I am the outcast and I am the chosen.

I am the filthy made clean.  I am the walking dead raised to life!  I am the hopeless sinner made righteous!  I am darkness overcome by Light!

I am the hater turned lover.

I am the fighter and the slave of Love.

I am the orphan and I am the beloved child of the King of Kings!!!

Jesus is my Maker, my Righteousness, my Lover, my King, my Wisdom, my Light, my Bread and Water, my Joy, my Hope, my Exceeding Great Reward, my Counselor, my Author, my Way, my Truth, my Beginning and End.....and my LIFE!!!

The greatest Love Story ever.  The Story with no end.  I am the beloved one.  You are the beloved one.  This is the Story of the Lover who has always been coming for us.

Turning Off The Noise

Hey there!  If anyone is still sticking with me here in blog land, and you've read many of my previous posts, you may remember that I did a media fast a couple years ago, after reading the book Seven by Jen Hatmaker.  Although I adapted my fast quite a bit differently from the ones described in the book, I called it my Seven fast because Jen had inspired me to do it.  Media was the main area where I had an issue and needed to clear space in my life for deeper relationship with God.  In fact it still is.  And I have not fasted media since the 21 days I set apart that October.

Therefore I have decided it is high time I take myself in hand again and make the choice to do some hard things for the sake of seeking Jesus more purposefully.  I'm doing another fast.  And I'm putting it out before whoever reads this blog, again, as a way of holding myself accountable.  This will be similar to my Seven fast in that it focuses on pulling away from media and setting times to purposefully spend with Jesus instead of entertaining myself.

In thinking about the concept of Seven, I was reminded that God spent six days creating the earth, and on the seventh day, He rested.  I think it is fitting to call this a fast of rest.  It is a time to rest from the constant noise, bombardment, and distraction of media like movies, Facebook, and endless internet surfing.  You know how sometimes when you have been surrounded by constant noise input and then you turn it all off, you feel this sigh of relief.  You can feel the silence settling on you like the feeling of sinking your head into the pillow at night.  I have an addiction to noise.  And sometimes I know I need to just turn it off.  Because how can you hear God when you always have the noise on?  I also have an addiction to virtual reality.  I like the way I can escape into a dream world when I watch a movie, or let myself get lost in Youtube.  I like the way it makes me feel.  But it inhibits me from living fully in reality.  From being engaged in my real life.  From investing in my real relationships, the greatest of those being my relationship with my Creator and Redeemer, Jesus Christ.

So this fast is about rest.  It's about clearing out some of the worst noise and distraction that keeps my attention off Jesus.  It's about coming to rest in Him instead of escaping into a virtual reality or just drowning everything out.  It's a focused time to center myself back on Jesus and His greater reality that is unseen, but more real than what we can see and hear and touch right now.

I'm keeping it simple.  I'm limiting my Facebook time to one day a week.  Except for the couple minutes it takes to link a blog post.  Because I have a lot of thoughts going on that I want to write about.  And I think part of my fast should include making time to write more regularly.  I'm limiting my computer time.  I need to be on it for business and personal emails, and I still want my worship music, but my goal is to spend less time on the computer altogether and to shut it down by 9:30 at night and do something different before bed.  There are some good spiritual things I could read or listen to online that I won't necessarily abstain from completely, but come to think of it, I should try leaving the computer off at least every other day!  Even the good things can be a big distraction.  We simply don't need that much input.  I don't believe we were built to take it all in.

As far as movies go, if my family is going to watch something together, I'll participate, but otherwise no movie watching on my own or with my little sister for pure entertainment.  It's just too much of a habit for me.

And the most important thing is not simply to abstain from these things for a season, but to replace them with something better, something that has eternal rewards.  Built in with that is some much needed discipline being reinstated in my daily routine.  Getting up earlier so I can spend at least 30 minutes first thing in the morning focused on Jesus.  Going to bed earlier so I can handle getting up! And ending the day with another focused rest time with Jesus.

I started on Resurrection Sunday and I'm doing it for the rest of the month.  And hopefully you'll be hearing more from me on here as I'll be creating more space for my heart and mind to think and hear from God and write!

On Resurrection Sunday, we celebrate new beginnings.  Life out of death.  Beauty out of ashes.  Joy out of suffering.  So I find it fitting to begin again to practice saying yes to Jesus.  This fast is one way I can do that.  Saying yes to Jesus isn't easy.  But it is an adventure.  And it will bear fruit.  There hasn't been much useful fruit coming out of the default mode of my life these days.  So it's time to regroup.  It's time to pull out and rest from the things that weigh me down.  It's time to let God redeem the time.  It's time for a new beginning.