Confessions From The Shadowlands

Honestly?

I'm not entirely sure where this is going today.  This is a spilling out of some of my muddled thoughts.  Trying to put some pieces together.  Aching to make sense.  But it may make no sense to whoever happens to be reading.  At this moment, I am writing because I simply need to write.

Something.  Anything.

Because there is so much inside crying out to be released.  To be opened to the world.  To be heard and to connect with some other heart.

Because I'm on a journey of so many unanswered questions and I'm wrestling and it's messy, like ink spilled all over the page, but writing helps me think.

Because maybe I need the accountability of writing something that someone will read, writing even when I think I have nothing to say, writing if only just to write.

Because it's time to probe the dark recesses of my mind and begin to form art from what lies dormant there, whether rational or irrational.  Something inside me is screaming to write.  It is time to stop pushing that something down and burying it under concrete chunks of doubt, fear, laziness, and this crazy whirl of life.  Maybe nothing makes sense now.  Maybe few will read or understand.  But someday something is going to click.  Someday the message the world needs to hear will come out.  God has put in me a fire that I ignore and squelch at my own peril.  I still don't know what He wants me to do with it.  But I have to do something.

And so I write.  If you are still hanging with me, dear reader, thank you for being so gracious.  Maybe these wanderings of my soul will connect with another soul today.  And maybe not.  Perhaps it will simply be the uncapping of a fountain that has been stopped up for too long.  It is clogged with dirt and dead leaves.  It may take some doing and a great deal of time, but the more the thoughts flow, the cleaner it will come out.  Eventually something of worth will be released.

So here you are.  Welcome to my mind.  I invite you to eavesdrop on the honest grappling of my heart with God today.

King Jesus, You are victorious!  You have overcome the world, death, and the enemy of our souls.

So rip away the illusion in which I live.

Show me how to open my eyes.  Show me how to see.

Help me let go.

I'm living in the Shadow Lands, held captive by illusions of my own greatness and yet, inexplicably intertwined, those also of my worthlessness.  Trapped in my own mind.  Bound by the entitlement complex.  Taken in by whispered delusions of the enemy.  Deceived into a ravenous desire for my own kingdom and glory.

But the kingdom and glory are Yours.

They have never been mine to attain.

Without You.....I am nothing.

Yet Your love chose to make me worth everything You had to give.
Your grace chose to make me a daughter of the Kingdom.
Your goodness allows me to play a part in Your story.

So show me the way to Surrender.  This letting go of who I think I am and what I think I need and what I believe keeps me safe.  This stepping out of my delusional boat of control and security to walk on water with You.  This living in Your reality....it is otherworldly.

What I see without faith is only two-dimensional.  Cloaked in shadow.

Jesus, Your reality is 3D!  It is more real than I have ever imagined.  And it is there for any who would see with eyes of light.  Full of light, liberty, and life in abundance!

This is Your kingdom.  This is my destiny.