Desert Ravings

Then Jesus said to His disciples," If anyone wants to come with Me, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life because of Me will find it. What will it benefit a man if he gains the whole world yet loses his life? Or what will a man give in exchange for his life?" Matthew 16:24-26

For the last several years, I have found somewhat of a theme for each year according to what God is doing in my heart. Now I know it doesn't sound pretty, but I think this is the year of death. A year of reckoning between what I know and what I really believe. I have come to a place of seeing my own depravity like never before. The last couple years have been a downhill slide for me and I find myself in mortal combat for my soul. I realize I cannot count on what I believed as a young child, when I received Christ as my Saviour. I responded to what I understood then with the faith of a child. But now I am confronted with the question of following Jesus: what does it really mean? What does it require of me? And do I actually want to follow Him? Have I counted the cost? Is it one I am willing to pay? I'm not sure I ever understood that growing up. So now I find myself caught between two masters, faced with a choice: will I live to save what I think is "the life" for me, or will I give up everything to follow Christ and love Him? In my mind I know there is no other option for me: I know the truth; I know what's going down and I can't turn from Christ, so I must follow Him. But as I see more clearly that Jesus meant everything He said and He made it clear that He wants all or nothing, I must honestly face myself and confess that I am bitterly fighting giving all. I want desperately to know His love so deeply that in response i would love Him enough to go all the way. I do not know what other course there is. If you have ever been in the desert of your soul, maybe you will understand this honest pouring out of my heart before God. These are the kind of feelings we want to hide; we try so hard to convince ourselves and everyone else that we're okay. Well I'm tired of pretending. Not that I have a great following here, but sometimes it feels better just to make yourself vulnerable to someone. I wrote this a few weeks ago, in church, actually. Obviously I had too much weighing on my heart to pay attention. :)

Deeper

Desire is a deeper pit
than any man can know
Life grasped becomes life lost
Paradise allures
lingering ever out of reach
No darkness is so thick
as a soul torn assunder
Ravaged by its own lust
Truth always beckoning
but rebel pride fears death
Running, hiding, eyes closed
until the image fades
And hope sinks again
into oblivion
A soul in fear, lost its way
Sick stench of self
repulses, yet drives it on
What holy fire can purge it all away?
What stronger lure constrain
that soul to stay?
Does faith still live to claim
That He is deeper still?

Gardener's Nightmare

Upon waking this morning, I peered out my window into the pouring rain, searching for a glimpse of the trap placed at the edge of the yard, by the garden. Did I catch another varmint last night? My first night of groundhog trapping was a success, but perhaps the victim's brother is smarter. In vain I attempted to make out my object. I wonder if he's in there? I wonder how he's doing in this deluge, unable to take cover? I am known to take fits of anger over my poor violated "babies" in the garden, but I also have a soft spot for living creatures. I was happy to try a more humane method of extermination before begging a shotgun. My garden terrorists this year are young ones, and really kind of cute close up. So in the goodness of my heart I wonder if I should go out in the storm and carry the cage to a drier place. Ahhh, no. My bed wins out. Back to the pillow goes my head, snuggle in, listen to the rain lash the house....I'm back at the window. The rain has subsided. There is the trap, and he is in there! But what on earth? Who is this hulking creature on the other side of the prison wall? Oh no, its.... Mama Groundhog! Unbelievable... have you ever seen a bear-sized groundhog? Well, let me tell you, I have. And it's slightly intimidating! What should I do now? Her baby's in my trap and Mama's mad! She's looking for a way to spring the captive...I'd better get out there and... what? Okay, think about getting out of bed. I can do this. It feels like I'm fighting through thick mist, but I'm getting out of bed. I'm thinking about how I should dress; it's a wet mess out there. Take another peek out the window... there are two of them! Dad showed up, bigger than life! I'm starting to wonder if my mission is such a good idea. I need a plan. What if bear-size means bear-ferocious too? I've dealt with bears before, oh yes. In fact I was chased by one just the other night and successfully fended him off with not much more than my bare hands! But I need to find a baseball bat...or something. No harm in being prepared for resistance. These guys do have some pretty serious claws. Daddyhog is running around in the yard and I will likely have to meet him on my way out. So I slog through the mush of my brain and rummage around in the garage for the bat. What else can I arm myself with? I've seen battle scenes in movies where the hero fights with a sword in each hand...not a bad idea. I'm envisioning scenes of glory in my head right now. What about one of those wood stakes. Yeah, just let me think. Keep looking. Now I'm back at the window. I've got to hurry; time's wasting. What now? This looks like Revenge of the Garden Stalkers. They're stomping around in my garden, they're tearing it up with their claws... they're destroying it! I have to stop them, now! I can't seem to put feet to my thoughts. Rummage around some more, check out the crime scene again. But alas.... no signs of life in my backyard. Only a ripped trap, some other torn junk, and a desecrated garden. They're gone? All this work to psych myself up for attack and they're gone? Just like that? They've left me with nothing but destruction and I can't even get revenge? This is horrible! This is the worst thing that could ever happen to a gardener. Okay, somebody get me a gun....I'm still lying in bed. What is my problem? Oh, what tragedy! I should have gone out in the storm and brought the stupid thing back to the house before the Avengers showed up! Why didn't I listen to my instincts? Okay girl, come in to reality. Are you conscious yet? Wait a second...maybe it was all a dream? Long sigh....letting out all the tension...can you feel my extreme relief? Can you guess what's been on my mind lately?!!! By the way, groundhog number 1's brother.... he's smarter.

What A Girl Wants, Raw and Honest

Beautiful (by Bethany Dillon)

I was so unique, now I feel skin deep
Count on the makeup to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
Thought I could be strong, but it's killing me
Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful, make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart and be amazed
I want to hear you say who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love, and beautiful\

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't You help me back to glory?

I want to be beautiful, make You stand in awe
Look inside my heart, and be amazed
I want to hear You say who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love...

You make me beautiful, You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love, and beautiful
You make me worthy of love, and beautiful!

Nothing Impossible

I've been reading Beth Moore's book, Get Out of That Pit. She writes about God's deliverance with the wisdom and experience of one who's been in the deepest pits life can offer and was rescued at the end of her rope by the mercy of God. My mom is also going through the book with a friend and we have been discovering a lot about our own pit-dweller tendencies and how much of that we share as a family. I've been trying for years and so many different ways to gain lasting freedom from my own personal pit. I have struggled mightily with the disconnect between knowing so much truth in my head and actually believing and living it. I've always thought that I should know better. So why do I keep believing lies? Why do I jump back in the pit? To put it simply: because I want to. As Beth puts it, 'we were created out of holy passion for holy passion'. We are 'so perfectly fitted for passion that we will find it one way or another. If we don't find it in Christ, we'll find it in things like lust, anger, greed...' etc.; you fill in the blank. God is a passionate being and He created us with passionate desire. Desire is incredibly powerful. The problem is that, because of sin, our desires have become deformed. As those who have been redeemed by Christ, we hate what we do in our spirits, yet we are doing exactly what we want at the time, or what we think we want. It's the same lie that started in the Garden: God is holding out on us; and deep inside we can't trust Him because the very thing He denies us is what we want the most. I really recommend you read this book; obviously you have to read it if you want to get a grasp on what I'm talking about. But anyway, I have been reading about the process of getting out of your pit, and there are three steps, each involving your mouth. Cry out (desperately, for real deliverance); Confess (agreeing with God about your sin, about what He says about Himself and about you, spilling everything that's on your mind); and Consent (realize that your deliverance is God's will and verbally agree with this truth and comply with it). Here is what is so cool about consenting: we have to speak out the truth about God's will from His Word so we can hear it with our own ears! Why? Beth says; 'for most of us who have failed over and over, our faith nearly disintegrated because somewhere along the way we confused faith in God with faith in ourselves. We've let ourselves down so many times that now we're nearly hopeless. In reality, however, we've given ourselves way too much credit. We think we're too much for God to handle. That the strength of our personal draw into the abyss exceeds the strength of God's draw to pull us out. Hence, we've rendered ourselves virtually faithless. The process can't just begin with our faith, because our faithlessness is our biggest problem.' I have never heard someone explain that before. I have to say I totally identify with this self-dependance and faithlessness. Here is why using our mouth is so important; God says, "Faith comes from hearing, and hearing by the word of Christ". Rom. 10:17 Our faith can be rebuilt by hearing our own voice speaking the words of Christ into our situation. isn't that the coolest? Of course I'm still somewhat skeptical because, as she said, I've let myself down so many times and I don't know why God would want to keep bothering with me and I doubt whether He cares enough to rescue me. But I'm willing to try. Beth wrote a section at the end of the book that provides a week's worth of Scripture prayers for crying out, confessing, and consenting. This is to help you get started, until you can form your own prayers. So I just started using these prayers at night when I go to bed, and last night these lines of consent really ministered to me: "Nothing is too difficult for You, my God (Gen. 18:14). Into Your hands I commit myself. Redeem me, O Lord, the God of truth (Ps. 31:5) Praise be to You, Lord, for showing Your wonderful love to me when I was beseiged and felt cut off from Your sight. You heard my cry for mercy (Ps. 31:21-22)." I began to believe that truly nothing is too difficult for God, and He is my God; He is not giving up on me, no matter how many times I have rebelled against Him. It brought to mind the words of a song by Kari Jobe, and I want to share that with you. It speaks of the deep healing that all of us pit-dwellers need to have our deformed desires become whole and pure.

Healer
You hold my every moment. You calm my raging seas.
You walk with me through fire and heal all my disease.
I trust in You; I trust in You

I believe you're my Healer. I believe You are all I need.
I believe You're my portion. I believe You're more than enough for me.
Jesus, You're all I need.

Nothing is impossible for You; nothing is impossible. Nothing is impossible for You; You hold my world in Your hands.

I believe You're my Healer. I believe You are all I need.
I believe You're my portion. I believe You're more than enough for me.
Jesus, You're all I need.


This is the truth! I know I need to hear this over and over. Maybe you do too.

I am a woman

This one's for you, Chris! Now I know I have one faithful follower on this blog! I borrowed this one but it's so good it's worth sharing. Any woman who reads this will be amazed at the revelation of the power and influence we hold in the unseen realm. This was written by a young woman named Christiana. She grew up with her foremost desire being to love the Lord with all her heart. She is an incredible light for Him; years ago, when she was still in her teens, I believe, she and her family began a conference ministry for teen girls called Commit. It teaches girls who they are as daughters of God and encourages them to be all that God designed as women. Christiana has touched so many young girls' lives as a single woman. She is now married with a few children of her own and this is the vision God has given her as she nurtures these little lives day by day. I am not yet a mother, but I have never seen motherhood this way before. God has given us women an awesome charge. Read and be amazed!

I Am A Woman
My willingness to carry life is the revenge, the antidote, the great rebuttal of every murder, every abortion, and every genocide. I sustain humanity. Deep inside of me, life grows. I am death's opposition.

I have pushed back the hand of darkness today. I have caused there to be a weakening tremor among the ranks of those set on earth's destruction. Today a vibration that calls angels to attention echoed throughout time. Our laughter threatened hell today.

I dined with the greats of God's army. I made their meals, and tied their shoes. Today, I walked with greatness, and when they were tired I carried them. I have poured myself out for the cause today.

It is finally quiet, but life stirs inside of me. Gaining strength, the pulse of life sends a constant reminder to both good and evil that I have yielded myself to Heaven and now carry its dream. No angel has ever had such a priviledge, nor any man. I am humbled by the honor.

I am great with destiny. I birth the freedom fighters. In the great war, I am a leader of underground resistance. I smile at the disguise of my troops, surrounded by a host of warriors, destiny swirling, invisible yet tangible, and the anointing to alter history. Our footsteps marking land for conquest, we move undetected through the common places.

Today I was the barrier between evil and innocence. I was the gate keeper, watching over the hope of mankind, and no intruder trespassed. There is not an hour of day or night when I turn from my post. The fierceness of my love is unmatched on earth. And because I smiled instead of frowned the world will know the power of grace. Hope has feet, and it will run to the corners of earth, because I stood up against destruction.

I am a woman. I am a mother. I am the keeper and sustainer of life here on earth. Heaven stands in honor of my mission. No one else can carry my call. I am the daughter of Eve. Eve has been redeemed. I am the opposition of death. I am a woman.

Christianna Reed Maas, 2010

It's Snowing; Be Happy!

The past few years I have developed a negative reaction to that cold white stuff. This stems mainly from having to drive in it, which totally stresses me out. Also, the magic of snow fun kinda wears off when you grow up. And I plain don't like cold weather! But I've been driving long enough now that I've gained a good bit more confidence driving in bad conditions, though I still have to get used to it all over again with the first couple snows. So this year I have, begrudgingly at first, started taking more notice of the beauty of the snow. Not that I don't see it every year; I'm always awed by the sight of millions of sparkling jewels when a rare sunny day shows up the white brilliance. But I'm trying to appreciate it more this winter. And I've decided that I need to make some more snow fun for myself so I can get some of the magic back! Justin and I had a blast playing in it last week and i kept him out too long for his first time, but he was having so much fun! All we have for sledding is this pitiful little bank, but i try to make the best of it. Justin thought it was great! He wanted to go down again and again and again! Needless to say, I got some great exercise getting Justin and the sled up the bank all those times.


Here's the snow friend that my TALL brothers made and startled me one night when I got home from work!





I've been searching for places to go sledding on actual hills somewhere in Northeast Ohio, and I found out we actually have some ski resorts around here! I would love to learn skiing or snowboarding, but of course money is an object....One place offers snow tubing, which sounds totally cool to me! so I'm thinking if I do some really fun stuff in the snow I might decide to like it again! Snow tubing could actually make it cool to have a winter birthday! Now if I can just come up with a decent pair of snow pants....

Here's just a little brag on my sweetest little bro, Justin! 4 years old and full of spunk!






You can see what his current favorite pose is! I call it the Boz Face, it's an imitation of Boz the Green Bear Next Door who is Justin's absolute favorite character... these are the cutest movies that teach all kinds of basic stuff for toddler/preschool age while having tons of fun and learning about God!

Happy snow fun everyone!!!

Stuff of Life

Hey everybody! Happy 2010! One year closer to eternity.... though we're only a heartbeat away.
So it's been way too long since I've written! If anyone has been checking up on me, I'm sorry! I have the best of intentions to keep this going but life gets in the way; honestly i don't know how some people do it! Actually a lot of the problem is my perfectionistic complex. I like to write, but I want what I write to be really good. It has to come out just right and express my thoughts accurately and thouroughly. I have this desire not just to be good, but the best. And that, my friends, is called the pride of life. I think we all have this desire to be "all that". You know, the hero, the champion, the inspiration, the person everyone admires. Whatever you call it, it boils down to this idea.... "I will be like God." We all long for immortality and glory. Well, we are immortal, but not in this world or this body. There is no eternal fountain of youth or whatever else we may search for. And we were created to be fascinated and consumed with the glory of God, living to reflect that glory to the world. Right now I am memorizing a passage from 2 Corinthians. I love chapter 3, verse 18: "We all, with unveiled faces, are reflecting the glory of the Lord and are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory..." Transformation! Remember the butterfly? We have been recreated! But we are still in the breaking out process. God had to remind me of this today. As I realized that by God's standard, my entire lifetime is only a breath, so this "breaking out of the cocoon" is a lifetime process. To God it is no more time than it takes the butterfly to emerge. And when we step from this life into eternity.... that is when we will be ready to fly! We will be all that God created us to be! All the suffering and sorrow and battling of life will be worth it because it is perfecting us into the image of Jesus and preparing us to soar with Him in full glory! This is the glory we long for! It goes so much deeper than the skin of this world. I dissolved into worship as my Beloved spoke truth into my spirit. I cannot really express to you what He gave me, but I can only tell you again that He is so awesome! He always meets me where I am, even at my lowest points, and He pulls me up to Himself. IF only I could stay as focused as I am in these precious times. To keep my eyes on the unseen and let the "skin" ie; all the outward appearance and image issues, dissolve and fall away in the immensity of His love and beauty. Let me share some lines from a song that has become my prayer in the last few months. It's called I Will Lift My Eyes by Bebo Norman. Thanks for sharing it, Cindy!

Your kindness is what pulls me up, and Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to the Maker of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to you

There are so many things I've wanted to write about over the last month and so many more I'm sure I could think of,and many I'm sure I'll never get to,but that's okay. For now I just want to praise my amazing Lover God for His mercy and kindness that transcends my failure, and His truth and faithfulness that go far deeper than my darkness and confusion. He is the Light who rescues me! May He draw you deeper into Himself today.