His Ranch!

I know, I said pictures coming soon.... so I'm a little behind. But here you go. These are a few pics I got during my weekend visit to the ranch last fall. I got to help with the annual fundraiser. Just thought you'd like to see where I'll be! Enjoy!


The welcome center


"Sid" the cowboy greeter


The barn


One of the two resident Clydesdales


Pulling the cart


Anneliese, one of my fellow volunteers, leading pony rides


A hay stack made for the kids to play on....it looked so fun!


The house where I will be living


I'm set to head out to Missouri April 29th. That's less than two weeks away! I'm in denial about how much stuff I have to do to get ready. Mom is in denial that I'm really leaving. I have a myriad of little things to do this week, plus three days of work, plus some serious packing, plus a farewell dinner with my friends at work, plus practicing a song with my siblings for Easter, plus trying to spend some quality time with my family....that's a lot of plusses! I am a blessed girl who doesn't often realize what she has until it's time to let go. I don't know how long I'll be at the ranch, but it's a good chance I won't be back home to stay anymore. I feel it is time for this, but I also have a lot of reluctance to leave things as they are and walk through change. My prayer is that this step, and all the steps after that, will lead me deeper into Jesus and will also enrich my relationships, even with my loved ones while I'm physically separated from them. Though we all must grow up and drift apart to different horizons, may He knit our hearts together, may absence make our hearts grow fonder, and may He teach us to make the most of every precious opportunity we have to enjoy each other. Yes, I'm getting sentimental as the time to leave comes so near, but it's true. None of us is even guaranteed tomorrow. Today is all we have. Cherish the ones you love. Cherish the other people God has put in your life for this season. Ask Him how you can invest in each life and live today with no regrets. And pray for me, if you will, that I can do the same. I'm saying these things because I need to hear them and make them reality in my life.

Thanks for reading, friends! Until next time!

Dream Big

Hi my friends! Is there still anyone reading this blog? LOL. I know my attempts to keep up with this have been pitiful. I hope to remedy that somewhat as I should have more interesting bloggy material in the days to come. However, I can make no promises. :)

Several months ago I started a post that I never finished. It was basically complaining about the stage of life in which I found myself and how intensely frustrated I was with the seeming lack of plan and purpose when I ought to be old enough to have done something more meaningful with my life by now. I wrote how I feel more confused and unsure of the future now than I did at 18. How I wish God would just tell me what He wants me to do specifically, complete with written directions! I am the only one who feels this way, right? ;)

Now as I look back from the threshold of an open door, I must testify to you that my God is faithful, regardless of the circumstances. He is good, whether I receive the desires of my heart or not. He says, Delight yourself in Me, and I will give you the desires of your heart. I believe that when we make it our pursuit to delight in God, He becomes our greatest desire. And I know that is the one desire that is guaranteed to be fulfilled. "You will seek Me, and find me, when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, says the Lord." Jer. 29:13,14
"I will" He says.... it is God's will and pleasure to be found by you and me! He created us different from all the rest of creation, that we might be conscious of Him and seek Him for intimacy. And even as my long held frustrations and impatient distresses fall by the wayside in the wake of a new adventure, God is working a new grace in my soul to seek and to find the real treasure in Himself. After years of wandering and thirsting in the desert of head knowledge, after coming up empty in my relationship with God, the Living Word has dawned on my heart and I am beginning to know Him in a new way, as the Living Bread and Water to sustain my spirit. Perhaps I tasted of this as a young teen, when I discovered a new and maturing hunger for the Scriptures. But now, since I have seen what is really inside me and have tangled with the thorns choking my soil and sucked desperately at the polluted trickle of my self-dug wells.....Jesus Christ has brought me back to Himself and invited me to come to the waters where true satisfaction springs forth. He has opened my eyes to reality, to understand that losing my life means I must lay down my "pitcher" filled with the water that never satisfies me, and come to Him to drink. And I'm seeing that there is life in Him to make my spirit stronger and give me power to overcome the evil one and know that I have everything I need regardless of what I lack in this world's goods or definition of success. This isn't what I meant to write about but it's just so amazing I had to share it! I hope it means something to you, that it doesn't just sound like a lot of abstract, poetic stuff. I'm not sure I can express exactly what is happening, but I just know that it's real, and that no matter where I go in life from here, I'm going after the Living One with all I've got!

Now, to cap it off, I have to share about the incredible door Father has opened for me! For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a cowgirl. I was blessed to be around horses a good bit while growing up, riding with friends, volunteering at a therapeutic riding center, etc. But I never owned a horse or took formal lessons or got beyond the basics. Still, I've never lost the desire to somehow have horses in my life and work extensively with them, possibly in ministry. Several years ago I read a book called Bridge of Hope by Kim Meeder. Kim experienced terrible hurts in her childhood, but God called her to Himself and has worked so much healing in her life, and horses are a big part of what He used to do it. So she started a ranch to help kids like her. She rescues abused and abandoned horses as well. Her books are filled with incredible stories of some of these kids and horses and how they have found healing together. That book touched me and gave me a vision to be a part of something like that. But I didn't really pursue it then, and the dream has been tucked away in my heart ever since.
Last fall I found out about a ranch in Missouri that started because the owners caught the vision of Kim Meeder's ranch. It is a small, nonprofit, family run ministry with limited resources and big dreams. The person who gave me the information encouraged me to look into it, and I did. That resulted in taking a weekend trip to visit and help with a fundraiser at the ranch. I left knowing I wanted to spend more time there, but I didn't have big hopes for anything more than a short-term volunteer thing. My deeper hope, though, was that I could have a paid staff position and be there long term. How exciting to imagine getting into a place like that, where I could start with my limited knowledge and learn everything horse while working and being involved in a purposeful ministry to kids with all kinds of needs! Imagine getting to do what I really want to do, without going to an expensive school. Imagine being able to combine my love of horses with the special place God has developed in my heart for needy kids, especially those with mental and physical challenges.

Long story short, I've spent the last several months praying and planning to give part of the summer to volunteering at His Ranch. Imagine my joy when Father surprised me with an email on my birthday.... an email offering me an indefinite staff position at the ranch! I've gone through a mix of thoughts and emotions these past few weeks as I prepare to pull up stakes at home and step into a new chapter of my life for an unknown time period. But I must return to the truth that my God is faithful and He does have a good purpose for my life and He does not give us random desires that He never means to fulfill. My greatest prayer is that wherever God allows me to be, it is the place where I can best get closer to Him. And whatever happens, it is for the purpose of knowing Him more intimately and being conformed to the image of Jesus.

May we all be inspired to seek harder after God and dream as big as we can, because our God has no limits!

Coming soon....pictures from His Ranch!

Who Are You, God?

A song by Addison Road

I've made You promises a thousand times
I've tried to hear from Heaven, but I talk the whole time
I think I've made You too small
I never feared You at all, no



If You touched my face, would I know You?
Looked into my eyes, could I behold You?

What do I know of You, who spoke me into motion
Where have I even stood but the shore along Your ocean



Are You fire, are You fury
Are You sacred, are You beautiful
What do I know....
What do I know of holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories, and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
But those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought my down to my knees




So what do I know of You, who spoke me into motion
Where have I even stood but the shore along Your ocean



Are You fire, are You fury
Are You sacred, are You beautiful
So what do I know...
What do I know of holy?

What do I know of holy
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame



Of a God who gave life its name
What do I know of holy
Of the One who the angels praise
All creation knows Your name



On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?



....what do I know of holy?

Flap Your Wings

Have you ever heard of the butterfly effect? I read an inspirational book about it last week. A man named Edward Lorenz introduced this theory to describe how tiny variations can affect giant and complex systems, like weather patterns. He suggested that a butterfly flapping its wings on one side of the earth could trigger a chain of repercussions on wind strength and movements throughout the world's weather systems, and theoretically, could cause a tornado on the other side of the earth. What I found through my bit of research is that the butterfly effect remains a theory, but longterm accurate weather prediction is impossible because of millions of tiny variations that affect the outcome. The point of the book was to show how the butterfly effect applies to human lives and history. The story was told of a teacher named Joshua Chamberlain who became a Union colonel in the Civil War. His regiment was commanded to hold a certain hill during the battle of Gettysburg. After holding off the Rebels numerous times and taking significant losses, the Union soldiers saw the Confederates again returning to attack, this time with reinforcements. Chamberlain's men were virtually out of ammunition and had no one to come to their aid. The commanders of several nearby regiments had been killed. It seemed a hopeless situation. Chamberlain was faced with a decision. He had no previous military or tactical experience. All he had was a tenacious determination to suceed or die trying. He determined he would not die with a bullet in his back. There would be no retreat. This is what he said in that moment in the balance..."When I am faced with the choice of doing nothing or doing something, I will always choose to act." He then commanded his men to charge with their bayonets. The startled Confederate soldiers assumed they were being met by a reinforced army. No defeated army would charge. The Rebels panicked, many dropping their loaded weapons, turned, and ran. In a matter of moments the opposing commander had surrendered to Chamberlain. It was later determined that had Chamberlain failed to hold his position, Gettysburg would have fallen. And if Gettysburg had fallen, the consensus is that the North would have lost the war. In which case many believe that America today would be a land of divided territories, like Europe. Thus there would have been no nation big enough, wealthy enough, or strong enough to conquer both Hitler and Japan during World War 2. And the repercussions go on and on. Another illustration. Some years ago, a man was honored for saving billions of lives by creating a hybrid corn seed that flourishes in dry climates. However, this man's success attributes to one of Franklin Roosevelt's vice presidents, who commissioned him to find a solution to the food shortage. The vice president, in turn, (whose name i cannot recall), had been influenced as a young boy by George Washington Carver, who discovered hundreds of uses for the peanut and the sweet potato, among other accomplishments. Carver was able to make such contributions to our world because his life was saved by a farmer named Moses who lived in the South during the time of slavery but did not condone slavery. After marauders ransacked his farm, carrying off an African woman and her baby, Moses and his wife managed to made a deal with the robbers and recovered the baby boy. They gave him their name and raised him as their son. But you could go on and on. In the end, who truly can received the credit for saving all those lives? And that is only one example of a difference made to preserve life. Think of it! Your life has the same opportunity to affect great things, even out of seemingly insignificant choices. It's an incredible idea, isn't it? But it's true! Think of the very first followers of Christ and the way their commitment to Him turned the world upside down. Think of all the martyrs throughout history whose blood has been the seed that causes the church to grow and flourish. Think of those who painstakingly preserved the Scriptures, or those who faithfully labored to win souls among even the remotest people on earth. Think of the difference each life has made with their choices. Imagine how your life could affect the world generations after you are gone. Take the time to look at your opportunities in this light. Every day we are faced with situations where we must choose to do something or do nothing. Some we call major, most we see as inconsequential. But are they? Is there any such thing as action without consequence? Even inaction produces its own consequences. Lost opportunities. What ifs. Regrets. What would God do with a person who passionately believes that his or her everyday life makes a difference? Let's be like Joshua Chamberlain. Come what may, let us always choose to act.

One Who Knows

Now I am going to do something extraordinary and write two posts in one day! This is me trying to make up for lost time. We ought to be compelled to share what God is showing us, but to be honest, most of the time I keep it to myself. I have found, though, that when I share these treasures with someone else, it multiplies the positive charge in my own heart. God's Word has so much to say about telling God's wonderful works and publicly praising Who He is. That is our testimony: what we have seen and heard, what Christ has done for us. A blog can be a great way to spread His fame!

As I have been recently faced with my own utter depravity and so often swimming in that filth, unable to see past myself, God is gently and persistently opening my eyes. I've had days where I just went off by myself and cried, feeling overwhelmed by the belief that nobody really has a clue how much I'm hurting or could understand why if I tried to tell them. That is the most lonely feeling on earth: that no one knows or understands my pain. I recently came across this awesome poem by John Newton, the man who wrote Amazing Grace.

I asked the Lord that I might grow in faith, and love, and every grace
Might more of His salvation know and seek more earnestly His face
Twas He who taught me thus to pray and He, I trust, has answered prayer
but it has been in such a way as almost drove me to despair
I hoped that in some favored hour at once He'd answer my request
And by His love's constraining power subdue my sins and give me rest
Instead of this, He made me feel the hidden evils of my heart
And let the angry powers of hell assault my soul in every part
"Lord, why is this?" I trembling cried. "Wilt Thou pursue Thy worm to death?"
"Tis in this way", the Lord replied, "I answer prayer for grace and faith".

This helped me to know that my situation is not so unique; others have known this darkness; Newton certainly did. But do you know what God spoke to me? Someone greater than Newton has known my darkness. "Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows. The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed." Is. 53 I have known these lines by heart since I was a little girl. But they never hit me like they do now. What did I know of grief and sorrow as a child? I never imagined the pain within could be so great. I was blind to the depths of my own wickedness. I used to think I knew the answers and I had it made! But now, to hear those words about Jesus...He felt every agony and torment of my sin in its entirety, and He carried it willingly. He received the wounds so I could be healed. He entered the darkness of separation from the Father so I could know His love and joy forever. He became sin so that I could become the very righteousness of God! Oh, to forever hide myself in those wounds! They are my wholeness and my life. He knows. It was all for love. You and I do not walk this road alone.

How could I ever say thank you, when the whole of this life's not enough
Though I offer each breath back in worship, it never can match your great love!

How could I ever repay you; you laid aside heaven for me
You came to the earth its Creator, incarnate, to set sinners free

So great are your ways, such encompassing grace
Love that reaches beyond each defense
Your mercy disarms the most broken of hearts
Such complete and profound faithfulness

How could I thank You?

From the album I Belong by Katherine Scott

His Answer

Hi faithful readers, whoever you may be! I'm sorry I am such a bad blogger. :( Sometimes it is hard to see anything in my life worth writing about. The rest of the time I come up with ideas, but it is hard to take time out of life to think it out in proper form. But there is still life in blog-land! I have been on this blog for a year now! Amazing! It was started in order to share the story of how God worked out my trip to Rwanda and the experiences I had there. Mostly it has been a way to share a few of my deep thoughts and perceptions of life. Granted, there is plenty of great writing fodder I have passed up, but one can only do so much blog reading anyhow.

A while back I shared a poem written from the depths of personal darkness. I'd like to share another poem I wrote a few weeks later as God's answer to my soul cries. I'm still riding the roller coaster in my soul, but God is so amazing...He does this time and time again. He never abandons me to the mud in which I'm wallowing. He always shows me hope and He longs to bring me out of the mire and set my feet upon a rock. Oh, I am slow and mule-headed, but we are getting there!

"The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me. Lord, Your love is eternal! Do not abandon the work of Your hands." Ps. 138:8

Freedom

Freedom! Is the cry of the One who died for me
Fighting for my soul as He writhed in agony
He said, I'd rather die then live without you, my beauty
Freedom! Give me My beloved from the jaws of death
Break the chains that bind her helpless to the lie
Freedom! I will overcome! Such was His battle cry
Make straight the path to her heart
Let My light and love flood every corner
Nothing shall ever tear us apart
Freedom! My jewel is worth all costs
Vanquish every enemy that shall ever lay claim to her heart
I have paid the bride-price
She is Mine, all Mine
Freedom! See, my love, who you are!
Take my hand, dive deep
Remember my love
You are Mine and you are free
Let go; you can trust Me
Freedom! Is the echo that fills all eternity

Take a moment to imagine Him hanging on that cross between earth and heaven, time and eternity. It was for you He died. Realize what that means. Over 2,000 years before you existed, He knew your name, saw your face, and knew the story of your life from beginning to end. He knew you, saw you, and loved you as He hung there gasping. He felt every sin you would ever commit. And He negotiated the ransom for your freedom right there in that eternal moment. His cry for you is Freedom! And the power of that cry is holding on to your life right now. Take hold of Him.

Go To The Ant

I love it when God surprises me! He has so much to show us if we would just stop and look and listen. Here are some thoughts I was writing in my journal and the story of how God interrupted my melancholic musings.

God is not into small-minded ventures and small dreams. He is not into comfort. He is interested in my character, my growth, and my surrender. I cannot grow unless I make choices that are out of my league, accept tasks that are beyond my strength, leave safe harbor to sail for deep waters where I shall have no other rock on which to fall, but God. My life will never be marked by greatness if I only take on what I can handle.

A little ant has skittered onto my beach towel as I am writing out in the sun. The tiny creature drags a dead bug three times its size. The folds and humps in my towel become hills and valleys as the ant maneuvers its way across. Pulling its burden over each ridge with incredible strength, and often tumbling top over bottom down the other side, it forges ahead, undaunted. From my vantage point, his mini-sized world is comical. Yet when I try to envision myself in his "shoes", the road ahead looks terribly daunting and his task seems insurmountable. Running up the steep cliff that is my journal, and then up the even higher face of my Bible, he hurries on. His strength and resilience amaze me as he presses forward, going who knows where. Somewhere in the middle of my towel, the ant drops his load and scurries away. Disappointed, I ask him, Are you just going to leave it there? No, I decide that he is trying to regain his sense of direction and determine the most logical path out of this foreign pink desert and back to the grass. At last, he returns to retrieve his prize. This drop, search, return, pick up, drop, search, return continues for many long minutes. Fascinated by his struggle, I watch, how long I do not know. I am entranced by this miniature example Father has given me. At long last, my subject finds his way over a far edge of my towel and hits familiar ground. But if I thought his way seemed fraught with difficulties over towel terrain....how little I knew! Now my friend must maneuver his unwieldy burden through a veritable jungle of tangled blades, which reach up to ten, fifteen, twenty times his length in height! Everywhere, obstacles block his path and stop the advance of his cumbersome baggage. It becomes stuck between blades; the ant tugs from every angle, to no avail. Again he is forced to walk away, going where? To call reinforcements? To see if he might discover some path where he may pass through with less hindrance? Will he return? For the longest time I wait, keeping an eye on the marooned cargo, anxious to see if my little friend will continue in this task which is beyond his strength. Look! He returns! And then disappears again. Then again reappearing, if it is indeed he. Finally he manages to budge the load a bit more. Then again I lose sight of him. I haven't the time to wait for the end of the story. Where is my friend's home? How far has he traveled with this burden? How far does he have yet to go? Will he make it? Will he persevere, though it take him all day and all night? Only Father knows the answers. He is the one who gave the ant such strength, courage, and determination. He sees the big picture of my world and the path on which I walk far better than I can see that of the ant. He knows the task to which He has called me is beyond my strength and ability to accomplish. He alone knows what following Him will cost me; He alone can give me the grace to accomplish it, and He alone sees the end from the beginning. The question I must ask myself is this: Will I trust Him enough to give Him everything? To throw all that I am into loving God and following His Word just as that ant throws all he is into the means of bringing his prize all the way home?

As I lingered, I discovered that my ant friend had eventually managed to move his booty and had found a way to drag it with relative ease over the tops of the blades of grass. I watched him for some time longer, sometimes falling down into the jungle and later reappearing in the tops again. He was moving much faster now and eventually disappeared from my line of sight. I will never know if he reached his home successfully, but I have little doubt that he did or he died trying. I don't think God requires us to be successful or even to accomplish a vision. He will accomplish what He has ordained with or without us. All He desires is that you and I live and die for Him. "Go the ant, thou sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise." Proverbs 6:6 Oh Lord, for the wisdom of the ant, I beg You!